so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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