woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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