I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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