ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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