Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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