How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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