"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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