P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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