The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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