Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
birth control should be required to get into college
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
