Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
