did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
