I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have already put on my inside pants.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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