Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
