There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
