I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
