just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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