Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
