i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
