I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
