think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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