i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
