I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Don't make out with my wife yet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
