I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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