I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
