My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
