I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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