I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
