I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
