Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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