I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
