put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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