Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize