at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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