Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
