You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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