My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
