I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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