There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
