Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
