Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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