Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
