He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
