Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
