Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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