I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
