I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
