I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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