aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
