theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
