I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
