she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
