I cannot find my penis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
