its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
