This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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