You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
