I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
